


Set Your Heart - Or Mouth - On Fire

by Elkian (SuperImposed)



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Drabble, F/F, Gen, Meet-Cute, Mild Language, Unbeta'd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-26
Updated: 2016-05-26
Packaged: 2018-07-10 08:03:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6974629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuperImposed/pseuds/Elkian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You've got this in the bag. Nobody can handle spicy food better than you - Amethyst is going to go home crying.</p><p>OR</p><p>Ruby nearly gets hospitalized trying to impress a cute waitress.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Set Your Heart - Or Mouth - On Fire

“You’ll burn your mouth off, it’s gonna be great.” Amy half-dances through the door, cuts a bow and holds it for you. You flip her off, but in a good-natured way. “Yeah, love you too, asslord.”

It looks like a cross between a McDonald’s and a 50’s diner, with the employees dressed up in retro uniforms. All the surfaces are still glossy and new, but the nothing shines brighter than the cutie in blue who comes over to take your order.

“Hey, folks, I’m Sapphire and I’ll be your server today.” You have no idea how she can see through those bangs but she does it effortlessly. Holy shit is she cute. “What can I get you started with? Drinks, appetizers-”

“We doin’ the FIYAH CHALLENGE!” Amethyst crows, practically standing on her seat and grinning excitedly. To her credit, Sapphire just smiles at the outburst and taps her pen against her script pad.

“Definitely some big glasses, then. I’d recommend milk or juice to help cut the spice, water just moves it around. Did you want to do the pasta or the chicken burger?”

She turns expectantly towards you as soon as Amethyst says whatever; your heart is pounding in your ears and you swallow hard. “Uh, the hicy spicken chamburger-” You snap your mouth shut and barely resist the urge to facepalm. She now thinks you’re an idiot, perfect.

“You got it,” she says, serene as a frickin’ lake, not even laughing at your blunder. “Be out in ten.”

 

Slightly more than ten minutes later, you are staring at your plate and regretting your choices. Amy’s already making horrific sounds, though that might be because she ignored the “careful, it’s hot” and stuffed a massive, steaming forkful of shrimp diablo into her mouth literally as soon as the plate touched the table.

The burger is huge. And, as space goddess waitress (what was her name? Sapphy? What’s _your_ name???) is listing off to your side, literally every part of it - patty, buns, chicken, chicken breading, mayo, _pickle_ \- are spiced. It looks like delicious death and it’s bigger than your head.

Sapphy gives you a sympathetic smile and offers, “You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to-”

“I can do this!” You yelp, far too loud and high pitched. You clear your throat. “I can definitely do this! Just watch!”

You can’t stop now, Ru. You gotta see this through. Otherwise Blue Space Princess will think you’re pathetic and laugh at you and you’ll never be able to come back and P will say something devastating in that tone of voice of hers and Rose- well, Rose will laugh. Good naturedly, but she’ll laugh and then try to cheer you up, and the thought of going through that on top of Soft Pastel Princess here rightfully thinking you’re an idiot and a _coward_ makes you steel yourself.

You grab the Sriracha sauce, gloop a hefty amount onto the bare chicken, slam the bun down, and take a huge bite. You almost choke, and you can hear gasping around you as the server and other patrons watch in horrified disbelief. Amethyst sank beneath the table and hasn’t come out, but you can hear her groaning. Then the pain hits, and your eyes start watering. Shit. SHIT SHIT SHIT. You can take spice better than anyone you know but this was a fool’s fucking errand and you are going to die trying to impress literally the cutest person alive.

Somehow you swallow, and go for another bite, and a third of the burger is gone. You’re desperate now, you can see the end you just have to GET to it, everything between your neck and your eyes burns and you can’t see through the tears and it’s actually _delicious_ and holy shit your stomach is burning, you don’t know how you get the next bite down but it happens; you’re eating almost mechanically, telling yourself that if you just get through the next bite you can stop. One more bite and you’re done.

 

One more bite-

  


The lights above you are way too bright - you groan and try to block it with one hand. A rustling sound next to you precedes a soft “Oh good, you’re awake. How do you feel?”

 

You groan louder and let your arm flop against your face, blocking out the hellish light. “Like an idiot,” you say, or try to say - your lips are puffy and swollen and it hurts to move your tongue. You want to wince but moving your face is actually really painful.

An absurdly tinkly laugh comes from your companion, and someone gently presses something blissfully damp and cool against your jaw. You’re reminded of the time Amethyst was proudly showing you that hornet’s nest she knocked down, only for the hornets to come buzzing out of it and she threw it at you in a panic and everyone got stung but you were the only one who got stung on the FACE and- “I can imagine. I’ve seen a lot of people try the challenge, but never quite like that.”

Oh god. The stupid Fire Challenge that Amethyst roped you into. So Tinkly Laugh over here must be - what was her name? Sapphire. Right. You groan again. It’d be better to have Pearl here, gleefully chastising your stupidity. It’d be better to have- oh yeah. “Amethyst?”

There’s a slight pause, presumably as she tries to interpret your muffled mumbling. “Your friend was here too, but she was discharged already. Of course, she only had a few bites.”

“....are we in a hospital?” Your head is clearing up slightly, making it all the more obviously how you sound like someone shoved a wad of cotton in your mouth. You’re not sure you can look capsaicin in the face again.

“A nearby clinic. They pumped your stomach.” You groan. How EMBARRASSING. “But my boss said you finished the whole thing in time, so you get the free food anyways,” she says, in a tone that is very clear that she knows you don’t want to think about food ever again. You groan again in agreement. That sandwich was EVIL. “I think he felt bad for you. Or maybe worried about legal issues,” and yeah, she’s having fun here, isn’t she?

Weirdly, that’s kind of cute. You guess it humanizes her? You nod and make an “mm-hmm” sound because you can’t think of anything else to say, especially right now. Your neck feels less stiff and your face slightly less puffy, and soon the doctor comes over and declares you fit to leave. You don’t FEEL fit to leave, but you’re also way too embarrassed about this whole thing to stay a minute longer, so you lever yourself off the bed and let Sapphire lead you to the door.

Amethyst is sitting outside, and gives you a thumb’s-up when you trot out. You flip her off again, and she has the good grace to look at least a little ashamed. “Sorry, Roob,” she says, and wow, if _her_ mouth looks like that, you don’t want to see a mirror any time soon. “But hey, look at it this way. You won!” You shake your head, and Sapphire slips past her to check on something.

“Terrible,” you mumble, casting a baleful glance at the hellion who, for some godawful reason, you call your best friend. Amy gives you a kind of sleezy grin.

“Hey, I made up for it!” What. You look at her and try to avoid talking anymore, but seriously. What. She rolls her eyes and elbows you in the side and you whimper a little cause having your stomach pumped is NOT FUN. “Shit, sorry. Buuuuut, I mean, I _did_ leave lil miss Sapphire in there to nurse you back to health,” she sing songs, and yeah, you punch her in the arm. “Weak! I don’t hear you denying anything!”

You flip her off with one hand and gesture to your mouth with the other, but before either of you can say anymore, a rumbling sound you’d been ignoring gets close enough for you to see Sapphire roll up on a friggin’ sweet motorcycle. You hadn’t quite realized that she’d swapped her cutesy 50s outfit for floral-patterned jeans and a motorcycle jacket. It’s a really good look on her, though.

 

Anything would be a good look on her, if you’re honest with yourself. NOTHING would- okay let’s stop that train of thought there.

 

“Sick ride!” Amy yowls and trots over with a grin, but stops and gestures you over. “I’m worried Ruby might fall off, though, so maybe we should sandwich her?”

“Yeah, that’s cool.”

Your best friend is pure evil. Pure evil that leads to you tentatively wrapping your arms around Soft Punk Queen’s waist and resting your head on her back and trying not to do something like, I dunno, get a stupid nosebleed straight out of shitty anime. Amethyst is choking on a laugh as she gets on behind you and Sapphire is giving you both a fond, knowing look, and you decide that actually burning your face off was kind of worth it.

**Author's Note:**

> My pal [Mac](http://supermacaquecool.tumblr.com/) and I were discussing a scene in [Their Story](http://yaoi-blcd.tumblr.com/post/144933836250/update-from-tan-jiu-translated-by-yaoi-blcd-if) and how it could be an interesting meet-cute ("You tried to impress me by eating this ridiculously spicy food but you fainted and I called an ambulance for you."). Mac actually suggested this pairing, despite knowing nothing about SU outside of Tumblr Dashboard Osmosis (TM).
> 
> RIP Ruby's tastebuds, we hardly knew ye.
> 
> (Written in like half an hour and unbetad, came out better than expected.  
> Ruby's constant nicknaming of Sapphire gives me life.)
> 
>  
> 
> [On Tumblr.](http://elkian.tumblr.com/post/144948003466/set-your-heart-or-mouth-on-fire)


End file.
